Carmyn wears a lavish deep-blue velour robe, it sits heavily on her shoulders and loose at the front. Her hair is wet and combed back in sharp angles off her face. She stands barefoot with her back to me, eyeing herself in the mirror.
I straighten, dropping my hand to my lap as Carmyn turns to face me. Her amused glower is intimidating yet I feel a tinge of delight. I want to speak to break the silence. To predictably ask how her shower was. To restore the safe banality of our relationship.
Instead I watch in silence as she approaches, a shy grin on my face.
Carmyn came into being in 2014 during my second year of art school. I used Carmyn to gain confidence and develop an identity as an artist, four years later she continues to be a prominent subject in my work. I would describe Carmyn as everything I wanted to be – outrageously confident, carefree, social, popular – and used her to explore the performance of selfhood and fictional narratives of self.
In October 2017, I worked as an Artist in Residence at Arteles Creative Centre in rural Finland. As the snow set in, so did loneliness and sexual fantasy became an escape. I soon wondered what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with my alter-ego, and so I began writing Carmyn Erotica.
Carmyn Erotica is an erotic fiction piece yet to be released. It is an exploration of identity, sexuality and desire, and actively disrupts views which define erotic fiction as low art by placing it in a contemporary art context.